Ep. 159: Impossible Hypotheticals Every Couple Will Argue About | Funny Couples Podcast

[00:00:00] 

 

Reese: Are they battling the bear? If they're battling the bear- 

Dave: They're not batt- It's... They, they're gonna survive a bear attack. They're gonna get- Yes ... they're getting attacked by a bear. 

Reese: Yes. Yes. How do you s- how do you get past the attack of the bear?

You battle it. You don't just go, "All right. So the, so the equation is I'm just gonna stay here and do nothing, and then we're gonna see what's gonna happen." No. It's you're putting up someone who you know can battle the bear- 

Dave: I guess so. Okay ... 

Reese: to come out with the least amount of... Think. Look at logically.

Critical think the question, David. 

Dave: Oh, oh, yes, ma'am. 

Intro Music: This is Dave. This is Reese, and this is Manic Joy, a podcast about life, love, and, and uncertainty.

Dave: All right. Should I start with my [00:01:00] I got caught in the storm story? 

Reese: I have to hear this for the third time. 

Dave: Well- 

Reese: I almost don't wanna hear it- 

Dave: This is what happens ... 

Reese: 'cause the anxiety that I have while you're telling it, I wouldn't have lasted.

I just want you to keep- 

Dave: I wouldn't have lasted ... 

Reese: I want you to keep in perspective- 

Dave: There you go ... 

Reese: the night that I was driving to rehearsal- 

Dave: Oh, yeah ... 

Reese: and got caught- 

Dave: In the, in the squall ... 

Reese: in the squall. 

Dave: I don't wanna hear that story again if you have to hear this one a third time.

Reese: Now, three times I'm hearing it- Yeah ... in a very close proximity of time. Yep. Yep. But you tell it, because I know, uh, sometimes when you go through a traumatic thing, it is therapeutic to tell it to different- Yeah, it's- ... audiences to get it- Very much ... out of your system. 

Dave: It's very much not about therapy at this point.

It's just- Um- ... more about telling the story. 

Reese: I think it's also therapy, 'cause you were clearly, you were g- you were having a, a time. You were g- you were having a bad go at it- 

Dave: It was quite- ... 

Reese: during this whole thing ... 

Dave: an experience that was, uh- 

Reese: Um, I, I did- ... 

Dave: hilarious ... 

Reese: feel sorry for you because I do- Yeah

understand being [00:02:00] so out of control in the elements of Mother Nature. I did feel bad for you, and I was worried, and I actually checked the girls' GPS- 

Dave: To make sure they were- 

Reese: To make sure they were not driving- 

Dave: They were- ... 

Reese: in that as well ... 

Dave: yeah, where they needed to be, yeah. 

Reese: But go ahead. T- tell it. It is your horr- harrowing tale.

Dave: My harrowing tale. So last night I went to a yoga class, and then after the yoga class, near, near the place behind it, there's a new Italian restaurant that opened up, and Reese has been telling me most recently that she's- 

Reese: I had a hankering ... 

Dave: she had a hankering for linguine Specifically, and- 

Reese: With white clam sauce

Dave: and she loves the white clam sauce. And so I was like, "You know what? After my yoga class, I'm gonna go check out, see what they got over there, and maybe I'll bring some stuff home." So I go around and I order a few things. I get like a lasagna, which was good, and it... This place is like a soft open right now, so they're still working out the kinks of things.

So I had a whole other scenario [00:03:00] that I won't bore you with. But I ordered the food, waiting for the food. While I'm waiting for the food, I hear crack, lightning bolt. I go, "Uh-oh, this isn't good." Maybe about five minutes later, starts to rain, then it starts to downpour. I look at the- 

Reese: Torrential ... 

Dave: forecast. Like it was bad, like lots of rain.

So if you're in the area, you'd know, 'cause it came through here too, and 'cause you started to get it. And I was like, "Wow, that's a lot of rain." So finally, my order comes out, and I'm like, "Oh, great." I'm like, I've already succumbed to the fact that I'm gonna have to walk through this rain. But I'm like, "Whatever, it's rain.

No big deal." Of course, they hand me this big bag A paper bag '

Reese: Cause you know, environment 

Dave: Yeah. No. I mean, they had plastic bags. People, other people had w- plastic bags. Yeah, you- They gave me the paper bag Yeah 

Reese: Not you. 

Dave: It's a paper bag with like the paper handle. You know what I mean? So it's like [00:04:00] all paper.

And I was like, "Oh, crap." I'm like, "This is the worst." So it's pretty bad out there. So I grab it and I scoop the bag like underneath 'cause I'm like, if I'm walking in this rain, like this is, like if I'm holding it, it's just gonna fall apart, right? So like I know, so I'm holding it, you know, like cradling it like a little, like I'm holding a chest almost, right?

Reese: Like a baby. 

Dave: Not like a ba- I wasn't like this, but like this, like, you know? And so I'm walking to the car and as I leave the place and I have to turn the corner to go up the street to get to my car, the second I turn the corner it's like somebody said, "Turn it up to 11," and they cranked up the rain and it was, it was coming, like before it was just coming down, when I turned the corner it was coming at me.

It was like attacking me. And I turned the corner and it's like splash, like all in my face, everything. It was insane. And I had my fucking sunglasses on, but they were prescription 'cause I didn't go to the car like in between and so I had to [00:05:00] wear them and so like everything's still dark too and I'm just like, I turn the corner, I'm like, "Oh my God."

And I w- like I said, I was coming from the yoga class so I don't have like appropriate clothes on. I had a T-shirt and I have like my my what are they? I don't know, the windbreaker pants or whatever and then I had my, my, my prescription sunglasses on and I'm wearing my flipping slippers, my leather slippers.

And so I start to walk and of course it's so wet my feet slip out of the s- the thing and so I lose my, I'm like, "Oh, I gotta go back." And so now I'm walking, I'm cr- I g- Game off. These, these slippers- I must have looked like a moron 

Reese: You can't wear these slippers ever again 

Dave: I don't know. I- we should go look at them afterwards.

Reese: You just should have left them in the street 

Dave: I haven't looked at them. No, I bet they're fine. 

Reese: Oh God, no. 

Dave: So I, I'm- I'm, you know, I'm sq- I'm squeezing my toes inside the slipper. They're like an open back slipper, like, you know, like they've got like a f- the full thing that covers your foot, but the back is open.

So I'm squeezing my feet in there to like make a fist with my toes to like hold them onto my feet and I'm, I'm, I'm like clip, clip, clip, clip [00:06:00] making my way, and I'm walking through this torrential downpour. There's like you can hear, there's ambulance coming down the street, like it's absolutely insane.

And the water, there's like up to your ankles of water, right? I finally get to the car. My car doesn't have the auto open door thing, so I have to go around to the passenger side and I'm, I'm like, "Okay." 

Reese: Like old school. 

Dave: I'm like, "Okay, like-" Let 

Reese: me open the door 

Dave: for you ... let me try to get this door open without dropping the food, 'cause I'm like- 

Reese: Which was the most important part of this whole tale

Dave: well, this was the most important thing. 'Cause I was like, "This is..." I'm like, "This will be..." 'Cause I'm, I'm, I'm actually laughing as I'm doing this 'cause I'm like, "This is fucking ridiculous." But I was like, "If I lose this food," which was the whole purpose for being caught in this anyway, "I'm gonna be bullshit."

So I was like, "Don't lose the food." So I get to the car and I put it like on the side of the car and I'm like, I'm holding it with like my body and I'm reaching with my hand to try to get in there. I open the door, I get the cradle the [00:07:00] food, I get it onto the floor of the car, and I have those like WeatherTech like rethe- rubber like protectors in there.

So I'm like, "Okay, cool." Come around to the other side. I get in the car. I am soaked, like soaked, drenched. I put my feet in the floor, all this water comes out of the sandals and goes like... Uh, like we went into the car today earlier. 

Reese: Everything is- 

Dave: Everything is wet ... 

Reese: still drenched from last night 

Dave: And, and I had my, my gym bag too, and that was drenched.

Reese: He had his clothes in the shower- 

Dave: I should mention I was carrying- ... 24 s- ... two of those bags. I was carrying- 

Reese: 24 hours ... 

Dave: the food. Yeah. 

Reese: Every time I go into the bathroom- Oh, man ... and I walk past the shower, I think Pep is in there. Mm-hmm. It's like a big black pile of wet clothes 

Dave: Same. I was like, "Who's in the shower?"

Right. I'm like, "Those are my wet clothes." 

Reese: So there's that. Yeah. Then his bag is in the hallway drenched. 

Dave: Yeah. 

Reese: We go into the car today, floor, his seat drenched. 

Dave: We were gonna take my car. We back out of the garage. So w- I'll come back to- It 

Reese: looks like he, [00:08:00] he peed in his pants. 

Dave: Yes. I'm like my favorite was- 

Reese: Peepee pants

Dave: peepee pants We sit in the car. I start to drive my car back. It's making a weird noise. I'm like, "Oh crap, what's going on?" 

Reese: That doesn't sound good. 

Dave: So yeah, so something happened when I was driving and- 

Reese: I think you, you must have either r- or the water 

pulls the plastic- 

Dave: The force of the water was pull... So let me tell you what happened.

So, so now, so I start to drive. I'm like, "Okay, I've g- I called you." I'm like, "Okay, here's the situation." I'm like, "Blah, blah, blah. You won't even believe..." You should have seen too, like, I was, it wasn't half as bad as I looked when I first got in the car, 'cause like, all my hair was like down and crazy. But I'm like, "All right, I'm coming home."

So I get to this part, and so my yoga studio's in Haverhill, and if you know Haverhill, and if you know where the STEM, like, cannabis shop is, there's that bridge, like, after it. And that bridge is at, kind of like a, like a triangle of, like, a hill, and like another smaller hill, and like this area. So there's, it was like a lake.

There was so much water flooding that area that I was like, "Oh, crap." So I was like, there's a couple of cars in front of me, and I'm like, I, I can still, I think I can still make [00:09:00] it through that thing. I'm, I'm like, I'm like, fingers crossed that I can make it, 'cause I don't wanna stall out the car. 

Reese: With your lowrider car.

Dave: And it's not even that ba- like, compared to some people, right? So I was like, "Oh, crap." I'm like, "All right, so if I can just keep going, it's gonna push the c- water away and I'll be fine." So I'm going, I'm going, I'm going. And of course, the car in front of me stops. And I'm like, "Why are you, why, why are you stopping?"

And there's a car in front of it stopped. And I saw the blinker on that, that car in front of the car in front of me going to the left, and I was like, "This fucking asshole is trying to turn and nobody's letting him turn." And I'm like, "Oh, no." So I'm like, I'm like, "Please don't stop. I can't be..." I'm, like, in the lake of water.

I'm like, "Don't stop here." So finally, I'm like, you know, like, kinda like, you know, trying to do the friendly beep, like, you know, like, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. 

Reese: Toot, toot, toot. 

Dave: Come on, come on. Yeah. You gotta go, you gotta go. 

Reese: It's like a little toot toot. 

Dave: We gotta get out of here, guys. You can't leave me in this- 

Reese: It's like ha- it's not like hand on the horn, like...

Dave: Yeah. 

Reese: Eh. Yeah. 

Dave: No, not, like, right? I'm trying to be like, "Guys, we gotta move." Yeah. "Let's go." 

Reese: It's the emergency horn. Yeah, yeah. It's not the asshole go. 

Dave: So yeah, like, hand on the [00:10:00] horn. Yeah. Like, you suck. Yeah. Like, so I'm thinking this person in front of the other car is trying to turn left. So then somebody, I see somebody on the other side, like, actually stop and, like, let them go, and they're not going.

I'm like, "What is happening right now?" And then somebody else comes down and is trying to go in front of me, but I'm in the way, obviously, because, like, I'm behind this other car. So I'm start beeping again. Like, w- we gotta figure this out, people. What's happening? And so that person, like, opens their door, and I'm like, "Yeah."

I'm like, "I'm not, like, mad at you, but," I'm like, "we gotta move. I can't stay in here. Like, let's go." So she starts to back up. I think it was a she. I'm not sure. I couldn't even see anything, 'cause it was, like, torrential downpour again. Like, it was crazy. So that person starts to back up. I'm like, "Okay, okay."

'Cause, like, I wasn't sure what was happening yet. Apparently, that car in front of that person had its, has its hazards on, and it wasn't turning left. It was just stopped. I guess it must have went through and had a problem. But instead of, like, pulling up, it just stopped right after it got out. So everybody behind the person- 

Reese: It's a fucking nightmare

Dave: is stuck in the water. Like, thanks. 

Reese: Fucking nightmare. 

Dave: Thanks a lot, asshole. So- [00:11:00] That person starts to back up. I start to back up. I let the person go left, and then that person goes around the car, and then the person that was like let that person go was almost gonna start going and had like a whole... And I'm like, "Absolutely not."

'Cause I, 'cause everybody else stopped because they saw that like we were in it, so they didn't... nobody else was in it. I was like, "No." I s- Like, "You have to let me go." And I'm like, "No, no, no, no." Like, I'm like waving and I'm like, "Okay, thank you. Like, thanks a lot." 

Reese: My anxiety. 

Dave: Like, why would you even- 

Reese: Every time you tell this story, I wouldn't be able to handle it

Dave: Like, why would you even start to go- Right ... and not let me go? Really? 'Cause you're not in any water at all. Like, come on, man. So anyway, I got out of that. So I think somewhere along the way, like I made it, there were some other places where I had to go through water and I was trying to... I must have, either the force of the water caught up...

There's like a plastic thing under the car that it pulled down and is like, you know when you pull it down and it gets pulled back? It's like that right now. 

Reese: It's like dragging. It's dragging on the floor. 

Dave: So it's dragging. So that's what we found out today. That happened. But wow. 

Reese: But it also smelled like burning when you got- 

Dave: Well, when I got home- 

Reese: So you, so you-

Dave: because all the water that was on like the heart- 

Reese: You're [00:12:00] on the phone with me and you're like, "Hey- Hot. Yeah ... do me a favor. At, when I'm coming in, can you just ha-" I was like, "What can I do to help you?" 

Dave: Get me a towel. 

Reese: You're just like, "Have a towel ready." Yeah. So I'm like, "Yeah, okay." So I, I'm, I'm in the middle of like doing work, procrastinating doing work, watching Sopranos, blah, blah, blah.

You tell me this. I'm like, all right. I give it like five, 10 minutes before I r- I'm like, "You're gonna be on your way." Yeah. So I go away. I go to clear off the table. As I'm clearing it off, there's a battery- 

Dave: Oh, yeah ... 

Reese: a huge battery for something- 

Dave: I forgot about this too ... 

Reese: whatever you, whatever you have to put on the table for whatever, but I just wanna clear everything off so that when you get home, you could put whatever there, and I have the towel ready for you.

I drop the battery. It- So now, uh, right underneath my foot is Magic for no reason, always underneath me Of course It barely misses him, barely hits my whole entire foot. Mm. Hits the edge of my foot. 

Dave: Ugh, [00:13:00] that's the worst. 

Reese: Now I'm like, "Mm." And now I'm making up curses. Yeah. I'm like- ... A Christmas Story, like, "Flickin', flackin', flookin'."

I just turned into Rose Nylund, but that's not what I meant. Anyway, hits the the side of my foot. I'm like, "Oh my God, that would've broke my toe- 

Dave: Yeah ... 

Reese: had it," whatever. Yeah. Doesn't matter. Set everything up. Get the towel ready. You come in. As you're, you open the door, I'm like, "It smells like-" S- 

Dave: smells like Burning. It smells like burning.

Reese: I'm like, "What is burning?" Yeah. It was your car. Yeah. Just from that, like, you have to be so... That's why they tell you, like, do not drive in flash floods or- 

Dave: No ... 

Reese: any of that Like, 

Dave: that is what that was, yeah ... 

Reese: 'cause that fucks up your car in 20 different ways. So there was, like- 

Dave: Wow

Reese: burning plastic. 

Dave: Lucky it started Who knows 

Reese: now? 

Dave: I just gotta figure out, 'cause I, when I walked out there today, I looked at it- 

Reese: You probably have to bring it to the place ... 

Dave: The, I might have to. We'll see. I, if I can, it's just I have to get it, like, I, I might be able to, like, use the jack and pr- prop it up so I can pull the thing forward.

Wow. And then I'll have to, like, it's gonna get screwed in, but- 

Reese: It's gonna be fun tomorrow ... 

Dave: I can't I can't do that because it's just so low to the ground- Yeah, yeah ... that I can't. So anyway [00:14:00] Anyway, that was- 

Reese: That happened ... 

Dave: that was, that was fun. Yeah. 

Reese: Gotta love torrential downpours. 

Dave: So yeah, and then when I got home, I was like, "Oh my God, thank God I'm home."

Yeah. We were gonna do this last night, I was like, "There's no way I am doing that." 

Reese: You were wiped out. 

Dave: I was exhaust- That was exhausting. 

Reese: However, I was very excited for, uh- 

Dave: Oh, the food was really good ... 

Reese: the linguini with white clam sauce. Yeah. So- It was pretty good ... 

Dave: so I stopped at, there's a new place in Haverhill, like I said, that is called, uh, OTC Grill, which means On The Corner Grill.

It's an Italian... So it says it's an Italian bar and, I think Italian bar and restaurant? Where's it- Or Italian bar and grill? I don't know. 

Reese: Is it trying to be like a- 

Dave: But I was like- 

Reese: Like a, like a night place? Like a nightclub- 

Dave: No ... for the bar? It's not a nightclub, it's just a restaurant. But I was c- I was curious of the placement of Italian bar being first- Mm

versus Italian restaurant. 'Cause, like, Italian restaurant and bar makes sense to me. Oh, okay. But Italian bar, I'm like, "What's an Italian bar?" 

Reese: Was there, was there anybody at the bar? Was the bar big enough to be a bar?

Dave: I, you know, I didn't go in 'cause I just ordered at [00:15:00] the front. Oh, okay. I actually didn't go into the restaurant.

It seems pretty big. 

Reese: So we need to go, let's make a night- So we should go- Where we go all the way in. 

Dave: Yeah. 

Reese: That's what she said. 

Dave: Yo, there it is. Oh, I don't have anything ready. 

Reese: Aw. 

Dave: Goddammit. 

Reese: That's what she said. 

Dave: Nope, wrong one. I meant to do this one. And then we can do... Yeah. Anyway,

... 

Dave: Now I'm ready.

Reese: Yeah. 

Dave: So- 

Reese: That's what she said. 

Dave: Yep. 

Reese: Three. Three in a row. 

Dave: So... 

Reese: Three is always funny. Jokes do threes are funny. 

Dave: So I was, you know, again, always concerned with the food. The food- 

Reese: Which was the most important. 

Dave: The food- 

Reese: And you did get it to me safely. 

Dave: Yeah, I did. 

Reese: Um, the only thing that we missed was Parmesan cheese, which we always have.

Dave: Yeah, 

Reese: we didn't have- But the one that we had- 

Dave: Well, we had, yeah, it was- ... 

Reese: actually was moldy. 

Dave: It was not good. 

Reese: So we had to leave it out. That never happens, 'cause I go through a lot of- 

Dave: You bomb with Parmesan cheese? 

Reese: Parmesan Yeah. I'm a little Italiano. 

Dave: So, well, so the food was decent. I can't speak for your dish, but you seemed to enjoy it.

Reese: I liked it. It was good. 

Dave: Yeah. I'm not a big fan of that dish to begin with- Again, I- ... so I'm not gonna eat that, but ... 

Reese: I was in the mood for the [00:16:00] old school- Yeah ... in the can with- 

Dave: Yeah ... 

Reese: linguini pasta. Mm-hmm. The, the way my mom used to make it in the can Old school. Me and Emily, well, Em- both of us at the same time, but Emily was really promoting it.

Yeah. And I was like, "Girl, I'm in. Let's do it." But you got me, like, the real deal, so I, I appreciate it. And the fact that you went through so much to get it to me- ... made it taste even better, but it needed- 

Dave: I could've, I could've just come home and be, and not, missed all of that. 

Reese: I know. I know. 

Dave: Missed all of it.

Reese: But it, it did need the Parmesan. Yeah, yeah. That was the only thing it needed. Yeah. Otherwise, it was- 

Dave: I got, uh ... it was nice So we got a, the piece, a meat lasagna, which was, the lasagna was fine. 

Reese: Oh, I didn't try it- 

Dave: It was fine ... 

Reese: today. It wasn't- 'Cause I had the rest of my linguini and clams for breakfast. 

Dave: I, I was not like, you have to eat this lasagna."

Reese: Um, the meatballs were good. 

Dave: But the meatball, I got a, so I got- 

Reese: Meatballs. 

Dave: I got a meatball and a sausage, and both of those were delicious. Yeah. And the meatball, right? The meatballs can be hit or miss, 'cause sometimes they're like, "That's not, somebody didn't make that." That was a good m- Yeah ... you could tell that was, like, pork [00:17:00] and beef.

Yeah. And it was a good meatball. 

Reese: Yeah.

Dave: I was like, "All right, that's a good meatball." 

Reese: That was a good meatball. 

Dave: That was, hey, that's a spicy meatball. 

Reese: It's nice- 

Dave: So- ... 

Reese: when something is good when you expect it to be good ... 

Dave: so yeah, so it was pretty decent. And we got the, I don't even know how to say it. It's, but it's an Italian egg drop soup.

I think it's called s- stretchy corelli, or I don't know. I don't know how to say it. Stracciella. Uh, 

Reese: something. Stracciella. 

Dave: But it is a, Italian- Uh egg drop soup. That was delicious. 

Reese: Any of my paisans out there that know- Yeah ... the, how to say it, let us know. Yeah. Did we at a- You're gonna hate me. 

Dave: Yeah. 

Reese: Did we at all talk about Disclosure Day? 

Dave: We did, and you talked about you hated it, I believe, in the last episode. 

Reese: Oh, I wanna say this about it. I still hate it.

Dave: Still hating, and listen, I, I don't like it any more than I did, so- Well, c- ... I was indifferent- 

Reese: Because people are... people haven't seen it, and they're asking, "Should I- 

Dave: I mean, [00:18:00] see it ... 

Reese: wait till it streams?" 

Dave: Yeah, don't- 

Reese: Don't spend- ... 

Dave: waste your money on it ... 

Reese: money on it. 

Dave: If you feel like, "You know what? I've only got this much money to spend this week"- 

Reese: Go buy food for your house

Dave: don't, don't waste it on that. Yeah. 

Reese: Spend it on drugs. 

Dave: Don't waste it on that. 

Reese: Spend it, give it to a homeless person. Oh. A homeless vet. 

Dave: Yeah. 

Reese: Do not, in any way, spend money to Spielberg and anybody that had- ... anything to do with that awful, just terrible movie. 

Dave: Yeah. Uh- 

Reese: I'm still bitter. 

Dave: She's bitter. Bitter Betty.

Reese: In case you were- 

Dave: So- ... 

Reese: wondering ... 

Dave: so listen, we just wanted to j- it's been a while. We've been meaning to do this, and we figured- Right ... we would just jump on and do, like, a quick little, uh, Hyperthetical kinda day here for you- 

Reese: Well- ... 

Dave: after this. Do you got something else to say? 

Reese: Well, I was gonna say before we do that- 

Dave: Reese's got something to say

Reese: before we do that, since we're coming up on... I- I would be remiss if I didn't mention- Yeah ... it is the 20- 20? 250th anniversary of America. 

Dave: Mm-hmm. 

Reese: Big things are going on. I've always been a big Fourth of July celebrator. And I feel like however you feel about whatever [00:19:00] the state of the country is, I grew up in a household, especially my father was very- Like it's- 

Dave: Patriotic

Reese: very patriotic, very much like Fourth of July was like a big thing. I kinda, I'm a traditional gal. I like some things traditionally 'cause it just brings everybody together. Kind of excited. 250 years, a big deal. Mm-hmm. Not always the best, not always the worst. Uh, no other place I'd rather be.

So I would like to, w- with saying that ahead of time, I'd like to say w- briefly, what was a Fourth of July memory that stands out to you, whether you were like younger, older? 'Cause I feel like Fourth of July goes in stages. Like, you have your, like your childhood youth where you're kinda forced into it, and you know of it in that way with like fireworks and blah, blah, blah, and hullabaloo.

And then you get older, and it becomes like a place [00:20:00] where you gotta figure out where you're hanging out for drinks and- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm ... shit. And then you get older, and you're like, "Eh." 

Dave: So I'll say this. 

Reese: What's a memory? 

Dave: I'm not a big, like, patriotic kind of person. Like, you know what I mean? Like, I'm not, I'm not...

I also am not disrespectful, but like- Right ... but I, and I, I like where we live, and I like- Yeah ... our country. Yeah. But I'm also not very like, "America." 

Reese: Yeah, America. 

Dave: I'm not that guy. You're not America, 

Reese: yeah. 

Dave: But I am I, I guess what I'll say is, uh, I don't really remember. Like, Fourth of July doesn't mean a lot to me, so I'm like, "Eh," a little bit. That 

Reese: you didn't do anything like family-wise, like? 

Dave: I mean, yeah, you have your cookouts and things like that. But I would say the thing that stands out in my mind in terms of a memory would be when we lived in Queens, and we could- Mm ... see the fireworks- 

Reese: From Macy's ... 

Dave: from- 

Reese: From the water ... 

Dave: from our balcony. 

Reese: Yes.

Dave: And even when we moved here, we could see the fireworks from- 

Reese: July 3rd ... 

Dave: the porch. So- 

Reese: On Carol's birthday- Yeah ... your mother-in-law's- Mm-hmm ... my mother-in-law- 

Dave: Mm-hmm ... 

Reese: your mom's, stepmom's birthday, where they would have it in Methuen. [00:21:00] 

Dave: Yeah. So you could see it- 

Reese: Uh, and you could see it from the backyard ... from the house when we moved here And it was, it was such a fun little- 

Dave: So yeah, that's all

Reese: tradition. 

Dave: And I remember- Oh, that's it ... actually, you know what I kinda remember too is when we first lived there, we had a whole bunch of people over. And I remember the sparklers at that picture. You know that picture with the pool in the background- With the pool ... and everybody ... and the sparklers. That was a fun picture.

Reese: I went crazy trying to find 

Dave: sparklers to- 

That's an image that- Yeah ... pops in my mind when I think- Yeah ... about the Fourth. 

Reese: I- I 

Dave: don't even know if that was on the Fourth we did that. I don't know, but- 

Reese: I, I think it was ... it was for the Fourth. I think it was. Yeah. Um, yeah, I grew, I grew up with it where Brooklyn, you'd go to like certain parts in Brooklyn, and you, uh, you weren't technically allowed- 

Dave: Yeah

Reese: to have fireworks. But John Gotti- Wow ... rest in peace- He was the best guy around Oh Uh, so i- he would provide the fireworks, whatever, and you would go and see that. I remember like, high school um- 

Dave: Musical! The Musical, the series? 

Reese: Yes. No, not really. No. This was way before [00:22:00] that. We used to go hang out at one of our friend's houses, and they would do like fireworks bottle rockets, whatever.

And it was the first time that I got really, really drunk at a 4th of July party. And I was drinking screwdrivers. 

Dave: Oh. 

Reese: Cannot drink those. You know a drink when you have a drink and you get sick from it? 

Dave: Yeah, and you're like, you'll never- 

Reese: You cannot have it ... s- That's it ... 

Dave: the, the thought of it makes you sick?

Reese: Exactly. So I had that and a bottle rocket, instead of going up, it went sideways, and one of my friends pushed me out of the way. It would've went through my leg, through my calf. Had they not pushed me, that night I also got sick. Doesn't matter. Whole long thing. But that was the night I coulda had a bottle rocket go through my leg.

Thank God that didn't happen, so that's a core memory. But yes, I always think of when we were in Queens and you could see- Mm-hmm ... it was just so beautiful. I love fireworks. Oh. Well, I don't know about that. And everybody always makes like a stink, like, "Oh, you gonna post your fireworks? No one's watching it."

I'm watching it. 

Dave: She's the one. 

Reese: I will watch your fireworks- 

Dave: When you post your fireworks, she's gonna watch it ... 

Reese: because I [00:23:00] love it. You know what I don't like? 

Dave: Tell me. 

Reese: And then we can- 

Dave: Move on? ... 

Reese: move on. La- so last night it took me- 

Dave: Oh. 

Reese: It, it takes me quite a while to really- Yeah ... really fall asleep. 

Dave: I forgot about that.

Reese: Last night I finally- 

Dave: You get, you get the earlies and the laties ... 

Reese: finally, yes. I finally, like, crashed out. I was asleep. I... Oh, so good. Comfortable. 

Dave: Yeah. 

Reese: Fall asleep. All of a sudden, World War III. I hear I- ... what I think are bombs. I jump out of bed, my heart- 

Dave: It was pretty intense, 'cause I did hear it too, but then I was like, "Oh, okay."

Reese: But you didn't do anything, but it went on forever to the point where- I was not in shape to do anything ... my heart- ... was b- like, beating out of my ch- I was like, "This is, it's on. It's ready to happen." Yeah. So I'm like, I'm up, ready to go. It finally stopped, and I'm like, "You gotta be kidding me." So I get up, I'm like, go to the bathroom, come back. I go check the Ring neighbor portion- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, yeah ... 'cause I know someone's gonna... And of course someone's like, "Anybody else hear you know, uh, f- Yeah ... "gunshots?" So it starts with [00:24:00] gunshots, then someone's like, "Oh, it's this, that." And I'm like, okay. So I kept track of that for a while.

Did not fall asleep again until, like, 4:30, 5:00, 'cause it woke me up. And I couldn't believe, like, you didn't get up, nothing. I, 'cause I would've, I was gonna be like, "Are you okay? Is everything okay? Like, what is going on?" But you seemed sound asleep, so I left you alone. 

Dave: Thanks. 

Reese: 3:00 in the morning. 

Dave: Yeah. I remember hearing it and being like, "Really?

Whoa." And then I was like, back out. 

Reese: And here's the thing, I love being patriotic. Do that shit at night when everybody is awake and can appreciate it. Yeah, yeah. What are you doing- 

Dave: Well, that's what I'm saying. Like, I, there's the people- ... 

Reese: at 3:00 AM ... 

Dave: that try to do them early- 

Reese: What are you doing at- 

Dave: And then they go on for, like-

Reese: on July 1st ... 

Dave: weeks after. Well, it's like, okay- 

Reese: What are you doing on June- 

Dave: Enough ... 

Reese: 23rd- 

Dave: Yeah ... 

Reese: doing that? Yeah. Anyway. All right. 

Dave: It's stupid. 

Reese: So let's go. That's my gripe. 

Dave: All right. Here's what I got for us. 

Reese: All right. 

Dave: We got Prison Culture- ... The Price of Sex Appeal- 

Reese: Ooh ... 

Dave: and Grizzly Weather. 

Reese: That. 

Dave: So I feel like all things we talked about- 

Reese: Yes[00:25:00] 

Dave: today. Well maybe not sex appeal. 

Reese: So right after you had that whole traumatic experience- 

Dave: Okay, so let's talk about this ... 

Reese: we watched the next season of The Bear. 

Dave: We decided to start... So again, here's the simulation things, right? We decided- 

Reese: You're welcome ... 

Dave: to start the, the Bear, the new, the last season of The Bear. In the first episode, or the first couple- 

Reese: Highly recommend all of the seasons- 

Dave: I love them, yeah ... 

Reese: by the way. So good. 

Dave: It was about- 

Reese: Such a good show ... 

Dave: a big storm happening in Chicago. 

Reese: And the same shit that happened to you yesterday. 

Dave: And it was like a flood and a whole thing, and it, we were like, "Of course this is what's happening right now."

Reese: It was amazing. 

Dave: It was crazy. 

Reese: Yeah. All right. 

Dave: Anyway, grizzly weather? 

Reese: Yep, go. 

Dave: And look at the, look at the picture. Hold on. I'm gonna try to sh- show you that. Here, come over here, camera. It's, uh, galoshes- 

Reese: There it is ... 

Dave: in water. 

Reese: Your galoshes. 

Dave: So grizzly weather. All right. 

Reese: Your leather galoshes. 

Dave: Here we go. All right.

Think of someone who is your friend. Do not select your best friend. 

Reese: Oh. 

Dave: But make sure the person is someone you would classify as considerably more than an acquaintance. 

Reese: Okay. 

Dave: Okay? 

Reese: I got that. 

Dave: This friend is going to be attacked by a grizzly bear. 

Reese: Oh, no. 

Dave: Oh, no. Now- 

Reese: She'd win ... 

Dave: now this person will survive this [00:26:00] bear attack.

That is guaranteed. There is a 100% chance your friend will live. However, the extent of his injuries or her injuries is unknown. He or she might receive nothing but a few superficial scratches, but they might also lose a limb or multiple limbs. They might recover completely in 24 hours with nothing but a great story, or spend the rest of their life in a wheelchair.

Somehow you have the ability to stop this attack from happening. You can magically save your friend from the bear. This is gonna be hard, I bet. But his salvation will come at a peculiar price. If you choose to stop the bear, it will always rain. For the rest of your life, wherever you go- 

Reese: Only to me?

Dave: it will be raining. 

Reese: That's my worst nightmare. 

Dave: Somehow- 

Reese: I just bought a raincoat 

Dave: [00:27:00] Sometimes it will pour, sometimes it will drizzle. Ah. But it will never not be raining. 

Reese: Sorry, Jen Stearns. 

Dave: But oh no, but it won't rain over the totality of the earth, nor will the hydrological cycle be disrupted. 

Reese: Just on me.

Just on me. 

Dave: These storm clouds will be isolated and they will focus entirely on your specific whereabouts. You will never see the sun again. 

Reese: Listen, let me tell you something. That's horrible. 

Dave: Here's the question. Before you tell me anything, do you stop the bear and accept a lifetime of rain? Wow. Okay, it can't be your best friend.

It's somebody that you know, but you would classify considerably more than an acquaintance. 

Reese: Oh. 

Dave: So somebody that you're gonna hang out with all the time. I think I, I think I would stop the bear. I would stop the bear 

Reese: So you'd have rain? 

Dave: Yeah, I mean, I have to 

Reese: Yeah, because I'm gonna tell you this right now '

Dave: Cause you [00:28:00] don't know- 

Reese: You came home, your hair was this exquisite...

You didn't have to worry about the next day. Why did I... I went and spent 30 bucks on a raincoat because Emily took my summer raincoat, so I don't have one, mainly because my hair. Like, if I'm going... My hair is such an issue- 

Dave: So this is a very superficial decision for you. 

Reese: Yes, David. Yes, David. 

Dave: I'm just, I'm just saying.

Reese: Because I spent $400 to get a Brazilian blowout on my hair to keep my hair from frizzing and curling, and then I spend $30 on a raincoat for the summer because it's been raining at a, at abnormal rate the last couple of days, and I haven't been prepared. And I'm just like, you know what? I... If I'm gonna spend this time on my hair, and I'm gonna spend all this money on my hair, I need to protect it.

So now you give me a question where I sound like Vanity Smurf- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm ... like a real piece of [00:29:00] shit. 

Dave: Remember, remember this Lazy Smurf? 

Reese: But I'm gonna say this. I... if anybody, if I was gonna put anybody against a bear- 

Dave: Oh, good. Yeah, okay. 

Reese: Jen Stearns would beat the shit out of a bear. You think, you think she wouldn't be able to take on a bear?

Dave: No. Hilarious. Okay. I would, I would- 

Reese: If I was in a situation where it was the both of us, and I had to depend on someone- 

Dave: Well- ... 

Reese: it wouldn't be me. 

Dave: Sure ... 

Reese: it would be her. 

Dave: But that's not- And, and- That's not the question ... 

Reese: it is 

Dave: Or the scenario 

Reese: It is. It's... I would not w- I can't have rain all the time.

I'm sorry. 

Dave: All right. 

Reese: And if I thought that anybody could... 'Cause there's a 50/50 chance they survive it, right? Like, they come out- 

Dave: Well, no, they're definitely g- there's not a 50... They're definitely gonna survive. Yes. There's 100% chance they're gonna survive. Yes. But you don't know the extent- Yes ... to which they're gonna have to deal with- Yes

for the injury 

Reese: And it could be a 24-hour, they come out of it- 

Dave: Yeah, it could be ... 

Reese: without anything. 

Dave: But it also could not be. 

Reese: Yes, [00:30:00] David. Yeah. That's 50/50. There's still math in there, and if I f- Okay ... listen, if it was me, no, I'm not surviving it. There the bear- 

Dave: No, you- ... 

Reese: is gonna win. 

Dave: Okay. 

Reese: We're done. 

Dave: You are, but yes.

Reese: If I was gonna put... Okay.

Oh, God. 

Dave: What? 

Reese: Well, I don't wanna say, 'cause then it's gonna sound bad. But I have some friends that are acquaintances that I would never put up against a bear. 

And I would... A- and it's not that I would take the rain for them 'cause I like them better. No, because they're gonna fuck it up, and I'm gonna have to live the rest of my life knowing that they don't know how to battle a bear.

Dave: It doesn't matter if they have to battle a bear, though. That's the point. It's a question of- 

Reese: It is. Are they battling the bear? If they're battling the bear- 

Dave: They're not batt- It's... They, they're gonna survive a bear attack. They're gonna get- Yes ... they're getting attacked by a bear. 

Reese: Yes. Yes. How do you s- how do you get past the attack of the bear?

You battle it. You don't [00:31:00] just go, "All right. So the, so the equation is I'm just gonna stay here and do nothing, and then we're gonna see what's gonna happen." No. It's you're putting up someone who you know can battle the bear- 

Dave: I guess so. Okay ... 

Reese: to come out with the least amount of... Think. Look at logically.

Critical think the question, David. 

Dave: Oh, oh, yes, ma'am. 

Reese: Seriously. You're saying, do I want a lifetime of rain if I know that I put... Ugh, and I can't say anybody because it's gon- that sounds shittier than me saying- ... Jen Stearns can beat up a bear. It does... Yeah. Yeah. 'Cause that's what I believe. I believe she c- actually, not only do I believe she could do it, I believe her kids could do it.

Do I believe myself or my children can? No. No. Giada's gonna be like, "Ah!" That's her joke. We have a joke in the household- Mm-hmm ... where she does this, "Ah," scream- Mm-hmm ... and it cracks us up. 

Me and Emily have to write down on a piece of paper everybody's birthdate and what we wanna say when we have to make [00:32:00] an appointment to somebody.

I have other friends that just, head on. Ruthann. Ruthann would win against a bear. Are you kidding me? Win. Win. I wouldn't put St- I love Stacy. Her and I are like... Our hair... No, my hair. I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong. This is a terrible question. What would you do? 

Dave: Oh, no. There's... I told you I would, I would... I f- I think I would have to choose, you know, stopping it. 

Reese: Yeah, because your hair, you don't have to worry about it. Correct. You came home. You looked like you- Listen ... were ready to- Correct ... walk on the runway for a fashion model. 

Dave: And that's, that's my reasoning, is I don't have to worry about my hair. 

Reese: Have you seen me with curly hair? 

Dave: So I will- 

Reese: Do you like Diana Ross- 

Dave: Listen

Reese: that doesn't look like Diana Ross- 

Dave: Listen ... 

Reese: but worse? 

Dave: Listen. We, we've had this conversation. You're the only one that doesn't like your curly hair. The Price of Sex Appeal or Prison Culture? 

Reese: Oh, sex appeal. Let's talk about that next. 

Dave: All right. 

Reese: Please. 

Dave: You have the curliest hair in town.

Actually, so funny, again it comes around. You meet a wizard- 

Reese: Oh, good ... 

Dave: in downtown Chicago. 

Reese: Wow, [00:33:00] that's weird. 

Dave: Okay. 

Reese: Are there cigarettes in the drain- 

Dave: Let's, let's find out ... 

Reese: going down the drain? 

Dave: The wizard tells you, "Oh, I f- oh, you c-..." The wizard tells you he can make you more attractive if you pay him money.

Reese: As they all do. 

Dave: "W- can you fix this scar from my bear attack?" When you ask him how this process works, the wizard points to a random person on the street. You look at this random stranger- Yes ... and the wizard says, "I will now make him $1 more attractive." I feel like we've done this one before. 

Reese: $1? 

Dave: He waves a magic wand.

Ostensibly, this person does not change at all as far as you can tell. Nothing is different, but somehow this person is suddenly a little more appealing. 

Reese: Oh. 

Dave: The tangible difference is invisible to the naked eye, but you can't deny that this person is vaguely sexier. The wizard has a weird rule, though. You can only pay him once.

You can't keep giving him money until you're satisfied. You can only [00:34:00] pay him one lump sum up front. How much cash do you give the wizard? 

Reese: I don't like this one. You answer it first, 'cause I don't like math.

Dave: I will answer this. Let's see. So I don't feel as if I have to give the wizard money. But if the question is if we're playing the scenario- Mm-hmm

where, okay, I'm going to give the wizard money, I... All right, so he, he made this, somebody a dollar more attractive and you could see the difference already. 

Reese: A dollar more. 

Dave: A dollar more. He said, "I'm gonna make this person $1 more attractive," and you could notice a difference. 

I feel like, and I say this for both of us, we're both attractive people.

I think we're good-looking people. I'm not like, "I don't need to..." Maybe if I had to give him money, maybe I'm gonna give him-

I think $10 would be my limit. I would maybe give him five. 

Reese: 50 cents. 

Dave: Oh. 

Reese: Half price. 

Dave: You want a you just want a little bit of that? Give me a little bit of that. 

Reese: Just give me a little bit. 

Dave: That's it, though. That's [00:35:00] all you're gonna get. Just a little, little bit. 

Reese: That's all I need. 

Dave: Just the tip. 

Reese: That's all I need.

Just a little. 

Dave: That is all you need. Not that you don't need it at all. 

Reese: As long as there's no rain 24/7, seven days a week. 

Dave: Nope, not on that one. 

Reese: I'm gonna look like a beauty queen. 

Dave: All right, so you're gonna give him 50 cents?

Reese: Why are you more judgy with that than with the- 

Dave: I'm- ... 

Reese: other thing I said ... 

Dave: I'm not judgy. I'm not, that's not being judgy. I'm just clarifying. You're gonna give him 50 cents. 

Reese: Sure. 

Dave: Okay. All right. Cool. 

Reese: I don't know. 

Dave: All right. Prison culture. 

Reese: Oh, boy. 

Dave: Here we go. 

Reese: Here we go. Birthdays was the worst days. 

Dave: A totally innocent man- Mm-hmm

is sent to prison for 25 years- 

Reese: Yep ... 

Dave: all for a crime he did not commit. The DNA evidence that indisputably proves his innocence does not emerge until he has completed his full sentence. During those 25 years in prison, he kills three other inmates- Ooh ... sells drugs- 

... 

Dave: Is tangentially involved with [00:36:00] the rape of another prisoner- 

Reese: Oh

Dave: mercilessly abuses a K-9 police dog- 

Reese: Nope ... 

Dave: and steals food from other inmates on a regular basis. 

Reese: So I'm gonna answer this right now. I still don't want it to rain 24/7. Yeah. I do not want my hair wet,

Dave: however, however- 

Reese: Sorry, dogs ... 

Dave: he was never caught doing any of these illegal acts. 

Reese: Oh.

Dave: Upon his release from prison, he openly admits to doing all these things. Mm-hmm. In fact, he brags about these activities- Mm ... to the media. "Prison is a different culture," he explains. "I did what I did to do to survive." I did what I- 

Reese: To the dog, to the 

Dave: dog ... I did what I had to do to survive. Oh, yeah. No, that's the survive.

So you're the head of the penal system. 

Reese: Penal. 

Dave: Yep. P-E-N-A-L. You have just learned of this man's wrongful imprisonment and about all of the terrible things he did while in jail. Do you release him back into society, or do you attempt to charge him with the new crimes he claims to have committed [00:37:00] during his prison stay?

Reese: Just for the dogs. Just for the dogs. 

Dave: I- 

Reese: Just for the dogs ... 

Dave: I, yeah, I don't- Just for the dogs ... 

Reese: I, I, 

Dave: I don't think I release him. Not- Uh, but I don't know if I have that choice. I guess, yeah, I think we would attempt to charge him for the new crimes he claims to have committed Just for the dogs. I would look into that.

Reese: I would go straight to figuring out what he- Yeah. I, I- ... did to an animal that is defenseless. 

Dave: I mean, it's unfortunate that he was wrongly imprisoned, but that doesn't then give you the- 

Reese: Excuse.

Dave: Yeah. And again, yeah, to your point, like- mercilessly abuses, yeah. Yeah. Like, it's one thing if you're, like, protecting yourself- 

Reese: Yeah

Dave: or something like that. Hmm. But like, yeah, and the rape of somebody those are things you're choosing to do. 

Reese: So, so for a, for people, an animal or a baby, children have no autonomy. Yeah. Y- no, thank you. I'm out. You can take me out. 'Cause, uh, my [00:38:00] life over an animal or my children, that's... You know what I mean?

Yeah. Like, I have- 

Dave: Yeah ... 

Reese: things. Ugh, no. All right. Uh, especially for the dog or dogs. Ew. Ugh. No, thank you. All right. What, how even did you get there? I just wanna know how you got there, so we'd have to have a- 

Dave: Oh, you wanna know more? 

Reese: I wanna know more. Well, I don't, I don't- I wanna know how that happened so other people can also be charged, because that didn't happen on your own.

Dave: All right. So here's your, here's your job if you choose to accept this. 

Reese: Okay, I'm ready. 

Dave: W- not you, the people listening. 

Reese: Oh, geez. 

Dave: You you've done it already. We did it. 

Reese: Oh, I've done enough. 

Dave: Okay. Do you stop the bear to save a friend- Mm-hmm ... and accept a lifetime of rain? Let us know. Or if you wanna get a little bit sexier, how much cash do you give this wizard on the first shot?

And- ... or/and do you release this prisoner back into society who was falsely imprisoned, although he did some terrible things in jail, or do you attempt to charge him for the new crimes he [00:39:00] claims to have committed during his prison stay? We wanna know what you'd do. Those are your three choices or your three questions to answer.

Let us know. Reese, you got anything else to add? 

Reese: My hair just feels so nice. Thank you, Christina- ... uh, for making my hair feel lovely. So for, like, three months I'd be fine with some rain, but once my Brazilian blowout ends- Hmm. 

Dave: No good ... uh- No good ... 

Reese: uh, we're done here. 

Dave: Yeah. 

Reese: Drop the mic. 

Dave: Friends, there you go.

Uh, rem- remember this. 

Reese: I'm out. 

Dave: Reese is out. 

Reese: I'm out. 

Dave: Life is a group project, friends. Be kind to each other.

Outro Music: We got the right stuff, we put the hammer right down.

We got the right stuff we put the hammer right down.