In this couples podcast episode, Dave and Reese talk about midlife marriage and how getting older changes a relationship. They discuss communication, patience, hearing loss, body changes, and the things that can make marriage stronger over time. A funny, honest conversation about relationships, aging, and growing together.
[00:00:00]
Reese: my brain sometimes like just hears garble. Like I hear the sounds, I hear, yeah. The intention and the tone. It's that my brain is not computing in real time. There's like a lag. It's like the,
Dave: Does not compute.
Reese: It's like the little spinning wheel is going and I'm like, okay, hold on.
Mm-hmm.
Dave: Yeah.
Intro Music: This is Dave. This is Reese, and this is Manic Joy, a podcast about life, love, and, and uncertainty.
Dave: Cheers to you this morning we're having a little Irish coffee.
Yum. Yum.
Reese: I mean, it is the month of the Irish.
Dave: This is true. So let me do this, then I'm gonna come back to the month of the Irish. So today we're gonna talk about what midlife does to a marriage. So we'll have some of these episodes that are focused really around these [00:01:00] themes. And what do we say about this?
This is right. I don't think. We're in that part, like you got a birthday coming up this month. The, the month of the Irish and the month of the Reese.
Reese: Yeah. It's a big month.
Dave: Uh, a hefty duo if there ever was one, but I think we could probably both agree that we're in this stage of life where things probably start to shift a bit,
Reese: a lot
Dave: become a little bit different.
Our priorities change, maybe even the patients that we have changes and, and I would say. Maybe less so and we'll, we'll talk more about, but when I talk about the patients changing, I feel like it's the patience we have with other people, not so much ourselves. Right. Although sometimes, sometimes it depends on the, on the day, I suppose.
Yeah. Or the time of the day. But mostly I think with other people, not so much ourselves.
Reese: Well, I think in doing that, that also makes you reflect on yourself of what you will tolerate as you get older.
Dave: Sure. Well, We're gonna get into that stuff today. Yep. We're gonna talk about the things that may be scary, maybe subtle, maybe even [00:02:00] surprisingly good,
Reese: i'm with you.
Dave: Yeah.
Reese: I like this topic a little bit. I think.
Dave: Just a little bit.
Reese: Yeah. Well, I think that people should, should talk about this stuff a little bit more and be a little bit more honest about it. Especially one of my pet peeves lately as I start to withdraw from being enamored by Hollywood and famous people and entertainers.
Dave: Yeah.
Reese: I could give a rat's ass about the way I used to care about it. Like back in the day, I used to love watching award shows. Yeah. I used to love watching what they wear. Yeah. I used to love learning, like where they vacation, what they do, what they like, what they're interested in.
Dave: Celebrities, they're just like us.
Reese: But the thing is they are not they're, I'm not, I can look at the acting that they do and critique it and appreciate it.
Dave: Mm-hmm.
Reese: But outside of that. I don't really care anymore. And this last award show, they, it was BAFTAs or whatever it was. Mm-hmm. It was the whole Jim Carrey thing. [00:03:00] we talked about.
Dave: That was different. Yeah.
Reese: Well, mm, it is or it isn't. He either had massively horrible plastic surgery and fillers. A lot of the men are getting the fillers. Ryan why did I just forget his name?
Dave: Gosling
Reese: Ryan Gosling. The filler unnecessary.
Dave: Mm.
Reese: Hate it. Um, the other one did it too. A Star was born.
Dave: Yes.
Reese: This is also fun with midlife.
Dave: Here we go.
Reese: These are the conversations you have in midlife. You know the guy that was in the thing with the, he was with,
Dave: Cooper, Bradley Cooper.
Reese: Bradley Cooper.
Dave: I was like, I said every B name in my brain.
Reese: Yep.
Dave: I was like, Bryce,
Reese: Brian, Bryce Bradley, Bryce Cooper,
Dave: I was called.
I knew it was something not common.
Reese: So
Dave: Bradley Cooper. Yeah,
Reese: him also. And then the Jim Carrey. Now, I'm not saying he was cloned. I'm not gonna go that far.
Dave: Although you have been saying he was cloned.
Reese: I never said he was cloned.
Dave: you said he was cloned. You didn't say you believed it.
Reese: I said that about that was not him.
Dave: Okay. [00:04:00]
Reese: That is what I said. There's a difference between a clone. A clone is a clone.
Dave: Oh,
Reese: they look alike.
Dave: Thank you for clearing that up.
Reese: But they look alike. And this did not look alike. I'm saying this was not, this wasn't him. Yeah. In my heart, I'm like, he pulled it. Andy Kaufman.
He sent someone in, he could with a mask. He could. There's a makeup artist who said,
Dave: it's always, uh, surprising
Reese: with that that guy
who said it was me. I was the one showed the mask. I was like, this is a fascinating and all also awful time to be alive because I don't know what's real and what's not.
Dave: Mm-hmm.
Reese: But I will tell you, besides all the plastic surgery, it's how emaciated these women and men look. It's it kind of. You should look healthy. And I don't see very many people in the industry looking healthy. They look, emaciated.
Dave: I, I, I will give it some grace. I don't really care to talk about their things because I don't care enough about their things other than [00:05:00] like the human race type of piece of it.
Right? But like, there's pressures there. Self-imposed or not, or in within that industry too, that are different than anything that we would understand. Right. In many ways. But all of it is just ridiculous.
Reese: It's ridiculous.
Dave: I just wish Yeah, we just go back to,
Reese: I'm bringing it up because I, I dunno, I am settling into whatever this is gonna be.
Dave: Yeah.
Reese: I will do the things that I need to do to maintain some beauty standards for myself.
Dave: Sure.
Reese: 'Cause there are just some things I don't. I wanna tolerate on my own. Yeah. Like as far as I, I put makeup on, it's 11 o'clock. I put some makeup on. I would never go on camera and not have a little, a little dab of something.
Mm-hmm. Wouldn't
Dave: a little dab will do ya?
Reese: Yeah. Yeah. I wouldn't like jump in my car to go get something and not put makeup on. I've always been like that. Not a full face FA face. But I,
Dave: it'd be kind of cool if you just did half a [00:06:00] face.
Reese: I could Next time. I will. Next time I'll, I'll see if you notice, which you won't.
You should. But I, I just, I feel like a lot of people, like I used to, I say it all the time, I used to look up to Drew Barrymore, the way she used to dress. Mm-hmm. The haircuts, the makeup, her eyebrows, because of her very thin eyebrows in the nineties. I have no eyebrows now. 'Cause you used to shave them really, really thin.
Now it's like, I don't wanna look like any of them. I don't want to eat what they're eating. I don't want to, the plastic surgery, whatever it is, I want no part of it. And I just am, I'm happy with my t-shirts, my jeans, and all of that. Yeah. And that's, that's where I am.
Dave: Yeah.
Reese: In that capacity.
Dave: Sure. Look, you know, I'm, I'm a big fan of just being.
Natural to who you are and what you look like. Yeah, yeah, of course. Taking care, like look, I'm, I'm in there trimming my beard all the time and yeah, you are. You know, with my eyebrows,
Reese: I find traces of it everywhere.
Dave: Oh God, shut up. Sometimes there are traces ' cause you can't get [00:07:00] everything.
I was gonna talk about the you mentioned the Irish month.
Mm.
And I'm thinking of doing something different this year. I saw this recipe for these sandwiches and it's like a slow cooked brisket, uh, whatever.
Reese: I thought you were going to say a slow cooked sandwich. I was like, how
Dave: It's a slow cooked brisket, but it, you do that, you do it in one of those pots, those clay pots or whatever.
Mm-hmm. You do it in one of those, supposed to do it. We'll see how the weather is. We've got so much snow out there. I don't know if I can get to the.
Reese: Oh, the barbecue.
Dave: It's the barbecue or the grill. But, uh, well, I, I think I can do it inside as well, but I might do that. And then you'd do one of the French rolls and you get the, you know, the sauerkraut of course.
And the cheese and, and there's like a mustard stuff that you put on it that looked really good and it's like falls apart mm-hmm. Kind of thing. I think I might do that this year.
Reese: You like a good challenge when you're cooking sometimes? Yeah,
Dave: I do. So I'm thinking I'm gonna do that.
Reese: Whatever it is, I'm gonna eat it.
I'm gonna eat this.
Dave: This is, this is true. This is true. This, you're gonna get what you get and you're not gonna get upset.
Reese: I either way, I'm going to eat it.
Dave: Yes.
Reese: Except for the martini that was [00:08:00] with the past due.
Dave: Yeah, we will, we've, I've thrown that away. So you don't have to worry about it anymore.
You get over it.
Reese: Never. I'm never getting over it.
Dave: So let's start this off. We just recently did that like 10 year thing where we did the 2016.
So if we look at where we are now, I'm saying that for this question, right? But What's the biggest way our marriage feels different now than 10 years ago? And so we talked about some of this stuff and just in terms of like what was going on during that time period and some of that. But I would say for me and 10 years ago is honestly not that long ago.
Reese: It's really not.
Dave: It, it's crazy. It sounds big when you say 10 years
Reese: seems far away, but it's really not.
Dave: I was, well, 10 years ago we're we're, we're here.
Reese: Yeah.
Dave: Right. Because this, we're like 11 years into this place. Yeah. Which is cool. So it's the beginning of that, I mean. The house has changed a lot, which has been nice.
Mm-hmm. Uh, some of the things we have been able to upgrade and some of the things we have not. [00:09:00] So a lot of different, uh, changes there. I mean, I think that's one of the big things that is interesting about our, I mean, not, it's not necessarily the relationship, but this moment in time where we need to figure out how to.
Deal with these things that are happening with the house, but
Reese: it's mostly the exterior that we have to deal with. I know what I said.
Dave: Wow.
Reese: And I know how I said it.
Dave: Way, way to go Boston. Yeah.
Reese: Um, but I've got all sorts of accents going on now.
Dave: You really do. now it is really, what's the middle, not the Middle East, but the mid, mid Eastern Midwestern.
Back accent. Wow. Are you,
Reese: where are all of 'em?
Dave: Yeah, let's go.
Reese: She's from Oklahoma. Not from, uh,
Dave: in one sentence, I would like you to travel the world with your accent.
Reese: I'm from Lebanon, she's from Oklahoma car. And it's bugging. It's, it's bugging me out because it's like, there's the Brooklyn in there, there's little Boston that comes out, and now I'm trying to pretend like I, I can do an Oklahoma accent.
Not gonna happen. But anyway,
Dave: so, so what I was gonna say is that, but I think the biggest difference between now and, and even then. I [00:10:00] guess in many ways is that I feel like we're a lot more confident in our relationship.
Reese: I think our communication has gotten better.
Dave: Well, our communication is stronger. Yeah.
But those are some of the things we, I think we'll end up talking about in some of these questions here. But like, yeah, like I think we're just, and, and I think, you know, like right, we already, we always have our moments, but I'm like very confident in our relationship, like just even our ability to.
To communicate and even if we're struggling with something, knowing that we'll, we'll eventually get to the place we need to get to. Yeah,
Reese: Yeah. Yeah. I agree with that.
Dave: Yeah. Alright. You got a question over there?
Reese: Are we calmer or are we just tired?
A lot of the time I'm trying to figure out, I am tired, like all the time.
Like all the time. Even if I get, like last night, I think I had a pretty good night's sleep actually. How'd you sleep last night?
Dave: Slept pretty good. I've got a little bit of a, a bug going on. So I think
Reese: you were definitely snoring for a long time.
Dave: [00:11:00] Probably, yeah. So, I, I got a, my, my Oura ring told me I had a minor signs last night.
Not last night, but the night before. 24 something. Okay. Knocking at my door. Remember that thing? Whatever it is.
Reese: No.
Dave: Anyway. So I was like, oh yeah, and I wasn't feeling great when I went to bed last night, so I, I'm like, I just need to rest. And so
Reese: maybe we need to put those turmeric foot. Pad absorbers again.
Dave: So we did that for sure.
Reese: That was gross.
Dave: It did say, but, well, okay. Has anybody done these things? Tell, tell us what those things are. We're gonna take a, an interlude here?
Reese: Yeah.
Dave: For what are these things called?
Reese: I wish I knew the exact name of it. I know there are like foot pads that you
Dave: extract the toxins from your,
Reese: extract the toxins from your feet.
I Now, we questioned last night when we took the pads off after six hours
Dave: we're, so this is the question's disgust. So basically you stick these things to the bottom of your feet.
Yes. And then at the end of the time, you peel 'em off your feet
Reese: and it's supposed to,
Dave: and well, supposedly it's pulling toxins from your feet. But my question is this. So what I the test I think I would like to do, but I'd love to know if [00:12:00] anybody knows, is this, once you pull those off your feet. Like they're black.
Reese: Is it actual toxins
Dave: actually from your
Reese: body,
Dave: right? Or is it from, or is that just like, if you put that on a,
Reese: we can do an experiment.
Dave: Yeah. Well that's what I'm saying. If you put that on like a, a warm. Mug coffee mug.
Reese: Yeah,
Dave: let's try that today and left it there for a few hours. Like if I pulled that off, would that look black?
Do we have more of those?
Reese: Oh, I have a whole ton.
Dave: Oh, well alrighty.
Reese: I bought a multi-pack
Dave: Science.
Reese: Science, she blinded me.
Reese and Dave: Excellent. with science,
Reese: so we can try, but that's,
Dave: so I'm just curious to see like, is it actually where, like, because like this is the, the, the charade of the whole thing.
Reese: Yeah.
Dave: Is it, is it the charade? Is it that it's actually pulled stuff from your body that has created that color, right.
Or is it that it's just like it. The heat and the sweat for being there that long, that just makes whatever is inside,
Reese: right?
Dave: That pad come through.
Reese: Come through.
Dave: So that's what I'd be curious to.
Reese: So I'm, I'm fine with that, but I will,
Dave: If you know,
Reese: add it to
Dave: let us know. But if you don't, I and actually timeout, I wanted to say [00:13:00] this. If you do know if you've done this and you, you know, some of the science behind it. Go to our website and on our website there is a little tab on the right hand side of the website, manic joy.com.
You can leave a voicemail. Mm. Let us know if you've done one of these in the past and what your assessment is of it.
Reese: That's fun. I didn't know that we had that on our website,
Dave: but we need to start pushing this. I'd love to include more people that are listening, checking out and include you in the show because we appreciate you, uh, listening and, and sharing your thoughts with us.
So
Reese: cool.
Dave: Go to the website if you know the answer to this question and let us know so we can include it next time.
Reese: I like it.
Dave: Cool.
Reese: Nice.
Dave: All right.
Reese: And the only reason why I am, I also brought that up too, is that I love the fact that you and I last night was like the big reveal when we took the
Dave: very exciting
Reese: things off. Yes. Both of us, we were like, look at this. I was like, look at it. And I was like, holding it up to your face. And then I was like,
Dave: and then it became a game of who's looks
Reese: worse, who was worse? Uh, they were both,
Dave: I think, I think I won. That last one I pulled off was pretty gross. Yeah. You had, you, you beat my first one
Reese: Yes.
Dave: With one of yours. And then I'd beat both, everything with that last one,
Reese: but that's what I'm [00:14:00] saying about our relationship right now is that I think we could do that without. I won't feel like, oh my God, he can't, I don't want him to see that. He's gonna think,
Dave: oh, geesh, so, all of that is like ridiculous to me.
Like if you're in a relationship where you feel like that, I don't know.
Reese: Right?
Dave: Stop it.
Reese: But I, I think after a while, but I think after a while when you've been with someone for so long, you kind of just,
Dave: so I think this is true past, I mean, think it depends on where you are in your relationship. So relationship goals, right?
You should get to the point where, come on. You, your people, live your life and be the people that you are.
Reese: You chose this person to be with. You should be able to share these, even when it's gross together, like, you know what I mean? Without feeling the person making, you feel bad. But to go back to, are we calmer or just tired?
I'm always tired and I'm always trying to find ways to, 'cause sleep isn't cutting it. I don't know if it's stress. I don't know. Like I don't know what it is, but it's also just my body is just. Slowing down. It's, it doesn't, you [00:15:00] know, no matter what I do, I've always been a sleepy girl. You know what I mean?
I've always needed naps.
Dave: Your middle name nap
Reese: been sleepy. Seriously. Like, and, and I come from a long line of nappers.
Dave: Yeah, you do.
Reese: I've said that before. Yeah. So I think it's a combination with us.
Dave: Well, I was gonna say it's definitely both.
Reese: I have calmed down. Like I used to get mad about everything and everything was an injustice and everything is, now I'm I pick and choose what I'm. Gonna allow myself to get agitated with. And then when I,
Dave: that actually reminds me, I think you owe Ring an apology.
Reese: Why?
Dave: Because the other day, so if you've been following our journey at all. Oh yeah. You know, Reese has got some qualms with the Ring not capturing when things get delivered, and the other day you got a notice that package was delivered. And I'm getting messages from you when you're, you're out, you're at rehearsal or whatever, and I'm home.
And I'm like, oh no, here we go. And she's like, is, did a package get delivered? And I [00:16:00] go look, and I'm like, nothing. And you're like, already out the Ring. I'm like, uh yep. And then you come home and then of course, blah, blah, blah. Ring, Ring, Ring. I'm gonna sue them, blah, blah, blah. I'm writing a letter. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I'm like, I don't think it was delivered, because we have, it was supposed to come via UPS, and whenever something gets delivered to our address, I get a notice that says this was delivered. We didn't get that notice and so I was like, I don't think it was delivered. So I don't know what's happening here.
But anyway, the next morning in, at some point we saw one of our neighbors come up and drop a package and they misdelivered it to the other house. And so, you know, I think you were very quick to blame Ring for not going off, and it didn't actually have anything to go off about.
Reese: Time out. Can you blame me?
Dave: Listen. No, I, this is why I'm just making a joke, obviously, because
Reese: what, I didn't make a post about it. I didn't do anything. I waited until the next morning, I was going [00:17:00] to figure out like, what, what happened with the package to see did it go, 'cause at night when I got home, I was just tired, just tired.
And I was mad, but I was too tired to really do anything about it. I went to bed. I was like in the morning I'll just, because my immediate reaction was to be upset because previously,
Dave: of course it was
Reese: Ring has not been doing the right things. Like it, it, it works when it wants to work and when I need it to work, it doesn't work.
Dave: I feel like I've made some adjustments though. It's better.
Reese: Okay.
Dave: And so because I don't, not ever since I've made the adjustments, we've got nothing that has been missed. 'cause we thought, well you thought that was a miss, but it wasn't. So I think we've been pretty good so far.
Reese: Yes. But time will tell.
Dave: I'm just, I know.
Reese: We'll see.
Dave: I'm just saying, I'm just saying.
Reese: Fingers crossed. I hope you're right because I've
Dave: Alright, so back. So,
Reese: so anyway, anyway,
Dave: so back into the calm. Yeah.
Reese: But it goes into, but it goes into the fact that, yeah, I was mad before I came in hot when I came home from rehearsal and, but I was so [00:18:00] tired that I was like, okay, I am just gonna go to bed.
And when I wake up in the morning, I'll have a clearer head and I'll move forward. And it just happened to be that morning that a neighbor. The Ring went off, saw the neighbor, didn't recognize them, they had a dog. I'm like, what are they doing in, in the front of the house? And I saw her drop, throw the package on the thing, and I went,
Dave: so thank you neighbor for bringing it over one.
Reese: First of all good people in the world restored my faith in humanity was so happy
Dave: for whatever brief moment of time that that will be true.
Reese: Something didn't get stolen. Well, I just, things getting stolen. I just, I'm not a fan of that.
Dave: I know. I know that.
Reese: It sucks that we have to worry about it. Yeah. So I think at this point it's like, yeah, I get mad, but I pick and choose and then I also just decide like.
I'm just, I'm tired. I don't care at this point. Yeah. Some of the things, so I, I don't know how you feel about that, but I feel like yeah. I still, some things annoy me there, just
Dave: so I think, I think they're a little bit different in the sense, so I think it's both, but I think it's different things, right? So I think just in, in life and how you react to things, it's not so much that I'm tired, but I am [00:19:00] calmer, right?
Mm-hmm. Where I'm like, oh, that's not worth being worked up about. Mm-hmm. Or upset about, or that doesn't bother me. Like it may have used to. When I was younger,
Reese: right.
Dave: The tired piece though, I would say like, well, yeah, I'm fucking more tired. Yeah. In terms of like, right. We watched a movie last night with the kids and the kids with our kid.
Reese: Kids?
Dave: Yeah, kids. But they're kids.
Reese: They're always gonna be the kids.
Dave: Adults. But the adult kids. Adult children. We watched a movie with them last night. And like, I couldn't wait for that movie to be over so I could be like, goodnight. Yep. And it was like, what, eight 19?
Reese: Yeah. It was so early and I was still like doing, I was like, I, I tapped out because I, I needed to do.
Dave: Yeah, yeah. Well you had stuff going on, but I was like, okay, goodnight. And they're like at, at night.
Reese: I know like after a couple episodes of Mad Men at night, by 8, 8 30, you're like, alright, I gotta go to bed.
I'm like, oh my god.
Dave: And, and where that may have bothered me. So here just comes full circle. Where may that have bothered me when I was younger right. That I'm going to bed so early. I'm like, I'm fucking going to bed.
Reese: Listen, going to bed early.
Dave: Kudos to me
Reese: going to bed early.
Dave: But I do get up early, right?
Reese: It's great.
Dave: So it's all good.
Reese: it is a great thing. So [00:20:00]
Dave: Alright, well, well here's my question to you.
Reese: Okay.
Dave: What part of this midlife journey that we're on has made our marriage better?
Reese: I think experience. Mm. You know what I mean? Like the good and the bad and the bad teaches you Yeah. What good things you want ahead. So I really believe, like you can, I'm a advocate. What I don't like are hypocrites. Right. I don't like a hypocrite.
Dave: I agree. But that statement,
Reese: what I do appreciate is. Having an opinion or a feeling towards something.
Dave: Right.
Reese: And then as you grow and learn and experience life,
Dave: that can change. Yeah.
Reese: It can change,
Dave: yeah.
Reese: So the things that you were really all gung-ho about when you were younger may morph and change and become something different to you.
Dave: Mm-hmm.
Reese: Right?
Dave: Sure. As it should. As it should. I mean, if you're, it should, if, if you're. You still believe or still think or still act the same way as you [00:21:00] did when you were younger?
Reese: You're doing something wrong. Sorry.
Dave: Something's wrong like there. Sure. There's a consistency. There's a through line to the, I think the core of who you are, but yeah, not growing and understanding and evolving with how life evolves is a huge miss.
Reese: And also just. Paying attention to the people around you and seeing the things that they've gone through without toxic empathy, without over empathizing and forgetting and losing yourself, but just enough to be like, you know, I saw what happened to blah, blah, blah, and I don't want that to happen to me.
Or, I saw what happened to blah, blah, blah, and I want that to happen to me. You know what I mean? Also, like my new thing is zoom out. Zoom out all the way. Look at it. Look at the whole thing.
Dave: You do this.
Reese: Yep. You zoom it out.
Dave: You zoom it out,
Reese: zoom it out.
Dave: That's zooming it in. You wanna zoom it out? You,
Reese: you wanna zoom it out?
Dave: You wanna do it like this,
Reese: right? But, but, but we do that. Why do we do that? Why do we do that when we're looking at our phone, right? We zoom in to [00:22:00] see closer. Sometimes we need to just zoom all the way out to see the whole thing.
I like the idea of zooming out because it forces you to, to step away from your little tiny. Component of the situation and see the other components of the situation.
Dave: Sure. Yeah.
Reese: You know what I mean? So,
Dave: My point of view on some of that stuff is I actually like to look at things from a. A different angle as well. So meaning like, so like yeah. Zooming in, zooming out, but also like what if you turned it upside down?
Reese: Yes,
Dave: right. A hundred percent. That type of stuff I think is also interesting. And I, I know you're not saying it's not,
Reese: but No, no, no. A hundred percent. And I think like as you get older, you things become more meaningful.
Mm-hmm. That weren't before and I don't feel the need to people please. Anymore.
Dave: Sure.
Reese: I have, uh, I don't have an infinite amount of energy. I don't [00:23:00] have an infinite amount of sympathy and empathy.
Dave: Empathy. Yeah.
Reese: I have a small amount.
Dave: Sounds weird coming from you.
Reese: I, well, seriously, because I spent my whole life this way.
Sure. I was taught this way. It was, a practice behavior and as I get
Dave: Did you ever walk this way?
Reese: No, I don't. No. Okay. No. No. It was a good one though, Dave. Nice one.
Dave: Thanks babe.
Reese: So, um, I just feel like as you get older, like I don't have fomo like, it it's very rare when I miss something and I'm like, oh, I wish I was there.
And the only time that sometimes it's, that is like. If you and the girls are doing something and I can't be there, or whatever, it's
Dave: I don't really have FOMO either these days. Yeah,
Reese: yeah. It's normally like, I just wanna hang out with you guys, I wanna hang out with the girls. They, you know, the fact that they even wanna hang out with us at all, Uhhuh, I wanna make sure I'm there for that.
Oh, it's a hundred percent me. Because, you know, and again, it goes back to I didn't, [00:24:00] I had a, whatever relationship I had with my mom. I, I wish that I had that where I'd wanna hang out with her all the time and she wanted to hang out with me all like, well, she did wanna hang out with me all the time, but there were so many rules to it.
Yeah. That it, it was exhausting.
Dave: Yeah.
Reese: I could just sit with them on the couch, we could be on our phones, we could be watching a show. We can be out shopping and doing whatever, and it's, it's easy. That's what I want. I want to hang out and I want it to be easy and I don't want it to be. Complicated.
Dave: Yeah.
Reese: The second something becomes complicated
Dave: for, for no reason.
Reese: Yes as well. I, I, yes.
Dave: Some, like I'm okay with complicated things.
Reese: Yes. those are gonna happen.
Dave: But because those are complicated, but when things aren't complicated, you complicate them.
Reese: Right. I'm out.
Dave: Ugh.
Reese: So that's to somewhat answer that question.
Um, I feel like as I'm getting older, both of us are like, we can say no a lot easier to things.
Dave: Yeah. So when I think about [00:25:00] what's made our marriage better in this. Midlife portion of our, of our worlds, right? Like I would say, I think we get, we're more honest faster, and so there's less of the, the dance around like having to waste the mental energy of figuring it out.
Being like, I don't even know what if I wanna call that a game, but like, I almost feel like that's ridiculous. Like that
Reese: it's a game when you're first dating someone.
Dave: Yeah. Like the,
Reese: it's a, you play a game.
Dave: Well, like, like we don't do the, like, well you should know, right? Like, or fuck you. Like we, we do the, like, no, we'll talk, I mean, I think sometimes we're like, you know what, I'm not ready to talk about it right now.
Mm-hmm. Which I also think is a, is a growing thing.
Reese: Mm-hmm.
Dave: But it's, we will eventually. When we're ready, we will talk about it and then we will have a conversation about it so that we can figure out how to move forward. Mm-hmm. And so I think we do that. Faster than we mm-hmm. Maybe did in the early days of things, which I think is great.
Reese: Yeah. I would sit and stew and be mad at something for like a week. Yeah. Before I would tell you.
Dave: Yeah. And I think now we navigate each other a little bit, but most times there's still some times where, you know, [00:26:00] like, and I think this is just a mismatch of energies in many cases. Right. Some, sometimes, because we have our own stuff going on and things are happening that it becomes a thing where it is just a mismatch.
Like, right, I'm here. You are here.
Reese: Right.
Dave: Or vice versa, and we try to make something happen. Well, and we're not ready to be on the same level yet. Well, I try to catch you if need to. I, we understand that more about each other.
Reese: If I need to talk to you about something that I feel needs a certain amount of time and nuance to have the conversation, there's opportunities to do that.
I'm not gonna do it. Mm-hmm. During the week while you're in the office doing work. Like I try to. Figure out when is a good time to have this conversation. Yeah. You know what I mean? I think we've gotten
Dave: Yeah. Better.
Reese: And
Dave: sometimes we just ask good time and sometimes we just
Reese: say it. Yeah.
Dave: No, gimme a few minutes and then, you
Reese: know.
Yeah. And I think that comes with just,
Dave: and then not taking that personally either. Like, this has nothing to do with,
Reese: that's really difficult for me.
Dave: Yeah. But I think you've, you're
Reese: But I've gotten
Dave: better. Better do a pretty Yeah. You did a pretty decent [00:27:00] job.
Reese: Yeah.
Dave: You know.
Reese: Thanks.
Dave: I'm trying. No problem.
What else you got?
Reese: What part of Middle Life has made our marriage harder?
Dave: What are your thoughts on that?
Reese: I wrote because we can't hear each other.
Dave: Oh, that's interesting.
Reese: Yeah, that builds a frustration,
Dave: Okay. So that's interesting that you say that. Yeah. 'cause like I would Yeah, that's a, that's a big one.
Reese: And I don't mean it, uh, metaphorically.
Dave: No. Like literally,
Reese: actually we cannot hear
Dave: Yeah. We communicate well. It's just sometimes we can't actually hear each other
Reese: physically hear,
Dave: and so yeah. I guess that is interesting because we both are, I mean, we've both, I'm sure, done a number on our hearing over the years just in terms of headphones and
Reese: concerts.
Dave: Concerts and, and whatever else. Living near the rocket ship. No imagine.
Reese: I wish.
Dave: But yeah, that's an interesting one because I agree with you. Like I get like sometimes the girls will be, and I feel like they mumble.
Reese: They mumble
Dave: and they'll, and maybe they're not, I don't know.
Reese: No, they mumble.
Dave: They are, but, and so they'll be in, they'll be like very, I'm like, [00:28:00] please, for the love of God, don't talk to me when I'm not looking at you for one.
And speak.
Reese: Yeah,
Dave: because, and I get frustrated because it's not so much that I'm frustrated at them, but it's frustrating because I want to be able to hear them right. And I want to participate in that conversation. Right. And so, yeah, I and probably maybe that's the next thing to work on, right? But like the amount of frustration that happens.
Is probably misinterpreted as frustration towards versus frustration with my problem not to like, you know what I mean? Right. So yeah, that's an interesting one.
Reese: I stop everything I'm doing. If they, if I'm sitting in the TV room and they're in the kitchen and they're talking to me, I go, hold on.
Dave: Yeah, I know.
Stop.
Reese: I pause the TV or I take a headphone out or any,
Dave: well, there, there are times like you'll be in the other room and they'll start saying things to you. I'm like, I go and I just go, there's no way she hears you. You gotta go in there. It's like, stop it. Go. Like,
Reese: but I [00:29:00] think it's also, I think it's also a learning experience for, for all of us.
'cause they need to realize also that we're. Older.
Dave: Yeah. Yeah.
Reese: That we cannot share.
Dave: Well, there things they're gonna have to deal. Well, it'll be interesting actually.
Reese: And they have to adjust as well, have
Dave: their perspective, uh, in things as they're in this phase of their life and having to deal with us getting older.
Right. Well, I mean, still luckily we're, we're still young, but
Reese: Yeah. No, but, but we're not, the parents that they had when they were toddlers, teenagers, you know what I mean? Like, now that they're older and I really wanna be there for those conversations and hear everything that they have to say to me, but.
And it's not even sometimes that I don't hear it. I, my brain sometimes like just hears garble. Like I hear the sounds, I hear, yeah. The intention and the tone. It's that my brain is not computing in real time. There's like a lag. It's like the,
Dave: Does not compute.
Reese: It's like the little spinning wheel is going and I'm like, okay, hold on.
Mm-hmm. [00:30:00]
Dave: Yeah.
Reese: And my students do it too. Mm-hmm. Which is, I think I, I said the other day I was like, I think I have like maybe four or five more years of teaching because they all talk because they're so used to talking into the phone Yeah. And talking at a computer.
Dave: Yeah.
Reese: That they're not used to projecting and they're not really being taught that in school.
Dave: Yeah.
Reese: Um, especially when you're doing work on a computer all day, you're not really interacting and learning. The importance of projection and articulation.
Dave: Couple of things. Do you ever, I just did it and I'm like, Ooh. Do you ever like, pop your ears that like, actually make things sound better for you? Do you ever get that?
Do you ever do that?
Reese: I would never in a million years do that.
Dave: Oh. Like sometimes
Reese: I have so many problems with my ears and my hearing.
Dave: I, I did it right now, like, like, you know, just like. I don't know. I don't know what's happening, but like adjusting
Reese: the malfunctioning
Dave: Well, no, I'm like,
Reese: or something else.
Dave: I guess it does,
Reese: Good thing I see both hands over there. You dunno what's over there, it's a little much.
Dave: Wow. That's, [00:31:00] that's in a very special episode. Yeah, no.
But like it will all of a sudden, like everything gets a little bit louder and less muffled and I'm like, oh, it's amazing. Interesting. But I was gonna say, so secondarily.
The fact that we do this with these headphones mm-hmm. Is fucking amazing.
Reese: It's my favorite thing and I wish I could walk around with this. Well, there is a thing that you can put in your ear.
Dave: It's called the hearing aid.
Reese: No. So they did try to sell me a hearing aid when I went in for testing.
Dave: Oh, well we're gonna need them at some point for sure.
Reese: I was like, no, I'm all set now.
Dave: You know you can do that with your Apple Air Pods, by the way.
Reese: No, they have a little contraption that you put in both.
Dave: Yeah.
Reese: Of your ears.
Dave: Hearing aid.
Reese: Oh,
Dave: but go ahead. What is it then, if it's not a hearing aid?
Reese: It's not technically a hearing aid. Uhhuh, people use it if they wanna hear conversations like they're being nosy and snoopy.
Yeah. They want to
Dave: Snoopy?
Reese: Yeah. Not Woodstock. They wanna, so it, what it does is it muffles out. Yeah. Without putting a headphone on. Yeah. I know where it is. It muffles out the surrounding sounds. All that, and it zooms on that one thing. And I'm thinking there's [00:32:00] some that are reasonably priced.
I'm thinking of doing that at least just for the classroom aspects because I really, I cannot, I, my, I can't hear my students at all. Well, and it's a, and it's
Dave: the Air Pods now, the, the pro version of the Air Pods do the same thing, so you can put those in,
Reese: but I'm not spending that much money on that because I will.
Dave: Oh yeah, you'll lose them.
Reese: There's no, yeah,
Dave: but what I'm saying is that, but that's what it also does. Mm-hmm. It'll do the same thing. You put those in it, it has a hearing aid, like a hearing test in it.
Reese: Mm-hmm.
Dave: And then it makes adjustments to the sound. And when you use it like that, like you can look at somebody and it will zone in on who you're looking at.
Reese: Well, that's the cheaper version of what I was looking into to doing that, because I think also it is. It also has to do with my short attention span, like my brain. Yeah. The, with my capacity to hold onto information, retain information it is also becoming problematic and I think that also creates frustration.
Mm-hmm. It's not that you're mad at the person.
Dave: No.
Reese: You're mad.
Dave: The situation
Reese: [00:33:00] at the situation. So I think like all of that kind of Yeah. Gets to us sometimes, especially just both of us. Yeah. Where my frustration is sometimes I'm just like, yeah. Oh my God. I don't wanna keep saying what to you because then you're gonna get mad at me, and then I'm gonna get mad at you.
Right. And then we fight.
Dave: Yeah.
Reese: And it's happened.
Dave: It's true. It's true. Yeah.
Reese: And it's happened. And then like, I don't know, 10, 20 minutes later we'll be like, I'm sorry.
Dave: Yeah, it's fine. It's fine.
Reese: But in the moment it's just so aggravating
Dave: because we are both. People that like to engage in the conversation.
Mm-hmm.
It's frustration with the inability to be able to participate in the way that we would like. Mm-hmm. I think is a way to summarize that.
Reese: Correct.
Dave: Yeah.
Reese: Yeah. So I think it's important to talk about the things that make things better, but I think it's also important to talk about some of the things that are difficult and harder, you know? And I think everything else is pretty good. I think we can, through good conversation and communication, we're good. But I feel [00:34:00] like, yeah, the part of getting older is just the hearing loss.
Dave: Understanding that,
Reese: understanding,
Dave: understanding our changing bodies.
Reese: It's, but it's true though.
Dave: Okay. So that, which in so many ways. Alright, well, so my, my, my last like official question to you is this. What does midlife expose about a marriage?
Reese: I wrote a note on that?
Dave: Oh, please tell me,
Reese: What you're willing to say no to and how much you're willing to tolerate.
Dave: Interesting. Okay.
Reese: Because I feel like when you're in the dating phase. With someone when you first meet them, you're very guarded. Mm-hmm. And there's only so much that you're going to reveal about who you really are. 'cause that's like the worst part is dating someone for a long time. And then after you've been with them for a long time, you realize who they really are and you're, you're already kind of like knee deep in there and you have to figure out.
Dave: Yeah, I think that, I mean, that's a,
Reese: what do I do with this?
Dave: Well, that's a challenge when people aren't, they don't show you who they really [00:35:00] are.
Reese: And a lot of people do hide these things because
Dave: Yeah. Which is crazy. But yeah.
Reese: Well, I mean,
Dave: not a good place to start.
Reese: No.
Dave: If you want a healthy relationship.
Reese: Right.
Because listen, right. Anybody I dated when I first started dating them. Probably unless they've seen it and decided to date me anyway. I used to have a really bad temper like I
Dave: Yeah.
Reese: Would. And
Dave: that occasionally you would know, shows up once in a while, but we both do. So
Reese: Yeah. But
Dave: whatever it is, what it's,
Reese: but, but I really just, yeah.
Would let loose anywhere, anytime, just. Let people have it like very, like all the time
Dave: you listen to me, young man,
Reese: oh my God. Like all the time. It was part of my personality. It was very like finger wagging and
Dave: that sounds right.
Reese: You know? And I feel like as I've gotten older mm-hmm. And had other relationships and I saw the reveal of certain personality traits that weren't there when we first dated.
I was like, [00:36:00] okay, I don't. I gotta be careful with that too. Yeah, I don't wanna. Be surprising anybody and, and then you and I just, we've been through so much that we've,
Dave: yeah,
Reese: we found out these things about each other early and still decided that we liked each other anyway.
Dave: Well, so well here's, here's what I would say.
My answer to this is what does it expose? I mean, we've, again, we've been together. I think this is a lot different than. I mean, it'd be crazy. We talk about this sometimes, but like I can't imagine what it would be like to be dating and doing this stuff at
Reese: God
Dave: this stage.
Reese: No, I say it all the time ly.
Dave: But I guess, I guess also that would shorten that path, right?
Where you'd be like, I'm not in the mood to waste time playing this game. So like either you're who you are or you're not.
Reese: Right?
Dave: And you would get to the points quicker. Right? But my whole thing here was that for me, what this exposes about of marriage, at least for us where we are, is that. Whether or not you've made the right choice.
Reese: Right.
Dave: Because like we're at a point now where this is I'm very happy that we're together. I, there's like, no, I don't need [00:37:00] to go anywhere else. Mm-hmm. Like, you know what I mean? And it's like I also, this is the part in our lives where. Age becomes part of the discussion. Uhhuh and our, our bo again, our, our changing bodies and things, and I'm, I'm one glad I don't have to do it alone. And two, I'm glad I'm doing it with you. Right. Aw. Yeah. Like, you know what I mean? Like, and so I think for me, this stage in our life, because we've been together so long, this has resolidified the fact that I think, I mean I won't speak for you, but I think we've both made the right.
Decision.
Reese: Well, I think it's also because we are willing to say no.
When we don't wanna do something.
Dave: Mm-hmm.
Reese: And then not have the other person
Dave: take offense.
Reese: Take offense to it. Yeah. I think,
Dave: but then we also recognize that the real moments where no is not the right answer.
Reese: There needs to be more of a discussion.
Dave: It's not, or, but like, also like sometimes you just gotta do the [00:38:00] things you gotta do
Reese: Well, yes.
Dave: Yeah. Yes. And I don't mean that in a negative way.
Reese: Yes.
Dave: But I mean that more of a like, no, like, this is me. Like, what did we do the other day where I was like, okay, I'll go with you. Oh like going to the police station, for example.
Yeah. Right. Like, like, like little things like that. Like do I want to do that? No, but I get it,
Reese: but I needed you to be there.
Dave: Right.
Reese: Because it, right.
Dave: So that's my point. Right. I not. Like, I'm not gonna go there and make a big stink out of it. It's like, okay, let's go.
Reese: I just needed you.
Dave: Now you can go anywhere own.
Reese: You didn't even have to say anything or do anything. It was just a matter of like walking into that place. Yeah. It was to file the police report for the stuff that was stolen. Just to clarify. Yep. But but there's certain things like, and I know like sometimes I go away with my friends and I'll be like, Hey, I'm, I'm going here.
You don't have to go. Yeah. Like I will not force you to hang out with people sometimes if you're not in the mood or you don't want to. Yeah. Like I know like what your jam is, and if that is not your jam, I'm not gonna force you to go and like be apart and do things. But then there's times where you surprise me and you're like.
Do you want me [00:39:00] to go to that or do you
Dave: Yeah, I'll go to that.
Reese: And vice versa. Like I think we're pretty sometimes good with,
Dave: sometimes I'm in the mood for it.
Reese: Yeah. No, but then there's also like, we'll,
Dave: something to shake things up.
Reese: Especially like with work and stuff. Mm-hmm. Like when I go, I always feel very comfortable when I go on your work trips or whatever because you know, and you're comfortable that I can be there.
So I think we've formed a pattern with each other where we know like the things that are good and the things are like I'm not comfortable with that. But we still if I feel it's very important to me, I will. Bring it up to you.
Dave: Yeah.
Reese: Yeah. Um,
Dave: so do you have a surprise question?
Reese: I created a surprise question. And it, it will bookend what we were talking about, ironically enough at the beginning of this. But do you think that we look good for our. Age. Oh. As opposed to, because then I think about, I go back and I look at pictures of our parents.
Dave: Yeah.
Reese: And parents in that eighties and nineties looked older.
Dave: Oh. I feel like everybody looks older. Like we were watching, what were we watching? Mad Men. Yeah. And they were like. What was it, Don Draper. He was like, I'm 36. I was like, [00:40:00] what?
Reese: Yeah.
Dave: You look like you're our age now.
Reese: I know. It's crazy.
Dave: Well, I was just, I was so funnily, I was talking about this just yesterday with one of the guys at the yoga studio.
We were in the locker room after class, and he was, he's 60. Looks amazing.
Reese: Right.
Dave: We were just talking about the fact that like the yoga. We like. I'm like, yeah, I don't do it to like, whatever. I just do it so I can feel good. Like in terms of like, I can move my back doesn't hurt.
Like I can lift my foot up to put my shoe on and socks on and that type of stuff. And he was like, yeah, it's crazy that like you see people that are our age or even younger and they're in complete fucking mess and so yeah, they look good. Yeah, like, I mean, I mean we, I feel like we've talked about this a lot on this podcast, but like for our age, like I still feel, I still feel young.
Reese: Do you feel 52? Because I don't feel like I'm gonna be 52. My, my body reminds me, my body reminds of me.
Dave: Even my bo [00:41:00] so Right. So like, day-to-day body is fine. It's the things that are changing in my body that I'm like, ugh. Like really? Like, that's different,
Reese: right?
Dave: But like physically and mentally, like, no, I don't feel that.
I don't feel that age.
Reese: And I really don't. I thought,
Dave: and I feel, I feel good.
Reese: I,
Dave: I'm happy. I feel good.
Reese: Used to think like 50, I would already be like crotchety with a cane.
Dave: Yeah. I don't feel, it's funny when like, like the girls will remind you sometimes, right? Where they, like, you'll be hanging out with them and they're talking, or their friends and then, or you'll hear somebody younger like classify you as old and you're like, Ew,
Reese: I know.
Dave: Oh,
Reese: well. They'll be like,
Dave: and not that I care, but I'm like, oh yeah, it's just like a reminder. Like, and I'm just like, oh yeah.
Reese: They'll be like, like 30 year olds are old. And I'm like.
Dave: I know and you're like,
Reese: fuck, do you think I am really like that? Is that,
Dave: huh?
Reese: Is very upsetting.
Dave: Yeah.
Reese: Yeah. But I'll agree.
I think, I think we look good for our age.
Dave: I, I agree with that as well. So this is interesting question. I like this question a lot. So let's see, what's [00:42:00] one way that I've changed in midlife that I probably don't see?
I was deep,
Reese: I was deep. I'm, I'll be honest with you, I, I don't, you have consistently been the same since I've known you.
Dave: Okay.
Reese: Where I feel that you have changed, but I think you know it. Because you said it is that you're, you're way more mellow.
Dave: Well, you're like a, you, you need a detective license. I think
Reese: your jokes have gotten worse
Dave: there It is. And I don't notice that at all.
Reese: And you actually don't know if you do you Yeah.
Love, like I'll be talking saying whatever. Not, you're not even a part of the conversation. You'll jump in Oh yeah. With a little zinger. Yep. You always gotta do a zinger, but zinger. Yeah. I'm like, do you really? Can we just. Talk without, you have to having a
Dave: no,
Reese: Boom, roasted, like not [00:43:00] all the time.
Everything doesn't have to be a zinger or start singing a song that relates to a word or a thing that I said, like, you constantly, you do that a lot more than you used to do. I don't remember you doing that actually. I think that's like, I think this is gonna be your old guy shtick is where you make those little zingers.
You gotta be like, Hey, like from the back. We're like, oh, that's just, that's just old Dave. Just ignore him.
Dave: Old Dave. Oh, yeah.
Reese: I, I think that's it. I think you've, you've been consistent with your personality. Mm-hmm. Your quirks, the things that you like, you don't like, like your. I wouldn't say predictable.
'cause every once in a while you do stuff and I'm like, oh, interesting. But you've mellowed out like, oh yeah, you're definitely way more definitely mellow than used to be. Mm-hmm. I think you're. Joking quota could be taken down a notch, but that's [00:44:00] just me and my preference.
Dave: Listen, it's like baseball.
You gotta, you gotta need ya need at bats. And not all of them, not all of them are hits.
Reese: Not all of them. A lot of them are not.
Dave: But the ones that hit
Reese: Oh, do they?
They hit. They both great.
Dave: They hit all right.
Reese: That's fun.
Dave: Well, there you go, friends. That's what midlife does to a marriage. , Thanks for listening.
Our hope would be that, you know, maybe you're listening to this alone, but maybe you could even set us some, uh, set aside some time with your partner and listen to these together and have some conversations.
Reese: That's a great idea.
Dave: Hit pause, have some conversations, and then go to the website again, manic joy.com.
I. Leave us a message
Reese: and let us know if,
Dave: let us know.
Reese: Put weird shit on your feet to get rid of the toxins in your body.
Dave: Yeah. Yeah. I'm seriously curious about this.
Reese: Me too.
Dave: And so we might, we might run an experiment after this. Now we've got something to do today, and it's not even noon yet.
Reese: Yay.
Dave: Yay.
Reese: Our day is full.
Dave: Yes. Friends, as always, we appreciate you. Thanks for listening. And remember this Life is a group project. Be kind to each other.
Reese: Bye.
Outro Music: We got the right stuff, we put the hammer [00:45:00] right down.
We got the right stuff we put the hammer right down.
